As a victim of abusive relationship in the past myself, I find this article is very basic but efficient in explaining gaslighting.
Please make 2020 a year of trusting in yourself, your intuition, what you deserve, and why you are picking these dynamics.
Seeking the help of a registered counsellor to help you uncover the patterns and beliefs that are leading you over and over again into abusive dynamics is the best gift your money could buy.
There is a saying that I personally find very misleading and victim shaming;
“you attract what you are”.
No actually I can give you a big hug and tell you that is not correct. That is like saying a person deserves to be raped or abused and are guilty. NO.
Just because you are in an abusive relationship ( can be with family and friends too) does not mean you are defined by that or deserve it, it does suggest that you are abusive towards yourself and you need to pause and build yourself up to the point where you would walk away at the first red flag you see or if it is worth it- address it directly with eloquence, emotional responsibility and I statements.
You want to firmly know in your core what is ok and not okay in love and trust your limits. If you really would like to stay in your abusive relationship you need couples counselling ASAP with new rules and boundaries set.
Most of us never take the time to understand what loving boundaries and communication are because we are pressured to be in relationship from a young age. We are not taught in school even though it should be MANDATORY.
We stay in toxic relationships, have children, buy assets, accumulate debt, fuse, to keep up appearances. We loose confidence that we could be ok alone or deserve to be happier.
We don’t even know what happy is! Many of us are raised in abusive homes where control and confusion ARE Love. Maybe you are somone that serial dates with relationships never lasting more than a year or less....
Often we end up with a partner who also was abused. Individual and Couples counselling is for everyone and should be as common as any other healthy activity in life like exercise.
We can ALL unlearn unproductive behaviors and choices with the right therapeutic support. Just like you need to learn math, science, writing; communication and interpersonal skills need to be taught,they are NOT an innate given.
There is no shame in asking for help. Asking for help is the bravest and most responsible thing you could do. You are not bad, your abusive partner is not bad. If you are the abuser reading this you are not bad and sounds like you are ready to grow.
There is no bad but there is bad behaviour which is a call for love in all the wrong ways. Most of the time with enough openness, desire and commitment this can be changed. You can overcome what has happened in relationship and sometimes it is better to part ways gracefully with support as well. Wishing your ex love and happiness is a gift to them and to yourself. You cannot expect to find happiness and love while holding a grudge. Clean up the mess first on your end even if that is just between you and a counselor.
Time to rewrite history. Time to meet yourself. Time to meet happiness. Maybe that is alone or maybe that is with your partner. You choose.